…when I don’t have money on hand. My hobbies include playing guitar, learning French, reading, and passing credit checks. I love credit checks. Ohh I love credit checks so so much. I actually love them so much that maybe we shouldn’t do one. I wouldn’t want to overwhelm you with how much I love them. I don’t have a pet or a partner,…

I will tolerate no slander of McSweeney’s writing ever again. This makes me want to laugh, but in a way that makes me feel like I have pus in my chest, which is an Accurate Reflection of the Contemporary Condition.